BUSTER KEATON DOES SOCIAL DISTANCING

WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN

WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN

As I make the equivalent of a Multinational Peace Treaty with my roommates and God’s Perfect Idiot My Cat Juno, I think to myself: how would Buster Keaton handle this? Probably with more flair, drama, and impractical headwear.

Buster Keaton goes to the Aldi and realizes that there are only 6 moldy cucumbers left on the shelves. This is honestly normal for the Aldi in his neighborhood, but he’s still disappointed.

Buster Keaton and his beautiful roommate hear their other beautiful roommate coughing in the next room.

Buster Keaton attempts to get out of the house by doing a Delightful Social Distancing Walk, but it’s March in Chicago and it makes him feel, if anything, worse. How many more minor trials and inconveniences can Buster possibly be expected to face.

Buster Keaton investigating which of his beautiful roommates has eaten all of his quarantine veggie straws. The suspects are few. The stakes are high. Detective Buster is closing in.

Buster Keaton and his roommates dissolving their previous peace treaties and devolving into carnage. Oh Buster, if only you didn’t insist on watching Cats at full volume every night before you go to sleep, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.

Buster Keaton thinking mournfully of all of the Tinder matches he can no longer go on mediocre coffee dates with. What a joy it would be, he ponders, to be stood up at Bang Bang Pie and Biscuits.

Buster Keaton’s beloved pet monkey is perhaps too excited to learn that Buster Keaton will be at home for the foreseeable future. Perhaps Buster Keaton’s beloved pet monkey could learn of the benefits of personal space. Cheek to cheek? Buster Keaton asks. Surely you don’t need to be this close to me, beloved pet monkey.

Buster Keaton drinking the only booze he thought to bring home before this fiasco, which is inexplicably, Moscato. Oh Buster, how we have biffed it. What we would not give for a fancy $14 cocktail at this juncture.

Buster Keaton is playing the 47th game of spoons with his beloved roommates. Are there are other games than this? Were there ever? Someone keeps suggesting rummy, but no one can remember how to play. Is it possible they could learn table magic? Games were a mistake. Please have mercy, Buster Keaton begs, Mancala will only make things worse.

Buster Keaton’s attempt to take tasteful nudes to send to his tinder matches is off to a terrible start.

Oh Buster, take heart. Now you have time to invest in a weirdly specific and unprofitable hobby. What if you began making your own ginger ale, Buster? Perhaps you could begin constructing homemade kites or embark on a journey of papier-mâché. Not all is lost. We still have our ravishing good looks and natural dramatic flair. We will weather this, Buster. You, me, your beautiful roommates, and that shockingly printed couch.

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